Better As A Memory
by prplfairy
Summary: Deeks walked away, now he wonders if he made the right choice.
1. Chapter 1

We had been at the bar and upon leaving the fighting started and kept going til we got home. Usually on nights like this I was able to control the urge to call her but tonight I just didn't seem to care. One two three rings I realize what could go wrong too late cause she answers and all the reasons for why I shouldn't call her is pointless cause I hear her voice saying my name.

"Deeks? Deeks is that you?" I forgot how good my name sounded coming from her lips, but in that moment I was back at my place with her telling her I was falling in love with her.

"Yea it's me.. um how have you been?" as I respond I hear Karina in the background asking me who I'm talking to. I tell her that Jameson was calling has a question about the case we closed today. I head towards my office for some privacy. I start to apologize but Kensi says "Deeks did you just lie to your girlfriend? Are you out of your mind?" "I miss you" I say before I can stop myself, guess that's why you shouldn't call your ex when you're half drunk and had a bad fight with your girlfriend.

"Deeks don't do this, don't go down that road. It didn't work out the first time" I can't help but cut her off at that point "It didn't work because we never had the chance to see if it would work. We had that night you got sent away and came home, and one thing after another until one day we just gave up trying to be happy together" all I can think is I shouldn't have let the sparks die completely but I was so fed up with everything life threw at us that I just couldn't do it anymore. "Clearly you have been drinking tonight and I'm gonna guess you and your girlfriend probably had fight so I really think that maybe we should end this conversation before something is said that will be regretted later." hmm regret yea that's a nice topic and once again I don't think twice about speaking whats on my mind cause I start speaking again "the only thing I regret is ending my liaison stint and walking away from us, I wake up most days and wonder how things would be if I had just truly fought for what my heart wants."

"Deeks its too late to wonder how things would have turned, out I'm happy and honestly Nick and I are expecting, I think things turned out how they were suppose to." I hear her telling me how happy she is and all I can think is there goes everything I ever wanted. "If I wasn't such a coward that would be my child you're carrying not his" as I said this I hear my office door creak and look up to see just the ends of Karina's auburn hair as she took off in the other room. I quietly swear and tell Kensi "maybe you were right I shouldn't have gone down that road not tonight or here at least bye" I hang up not giving Kensi a chance to say bye back or anything else. I just sit here wondering if I should go talk to her and beg her to stay or let her go.

I finally decide that I should probably go talk to her, I just hope she hasn't left yet I get to our room and see that she has started packing her bags. She must have been expecting me cause she asks "Jameson didn't call you about the case y'all just closed did he" as much as I want to lie to her again I can't "No he didn't call.. I called Kensi which I shouldn't have but I don't know why I did but I did an I can't change that" I'm on the verge of losing everything and I have no one to blame but myself so I figure I should just say what I have been feeling the last couple weeks. "There's a part of my life I have tried to ignore and by doing that I haven't gotten closure, I just walked away and as long I keep it in I don't think I can completely move on be who you need me to be." I pause to take a breath and get my emotions under control, she starts speaking "Who I need you to be? You were just telling another women that her kid should be yours. You can't come in here and feed me a bunch of crap and expect me to believe you, it doesn't work like that." Well she has me there and it will be pointless to try denying it "You're right I did say that." I decide in that moment that maybe she is better off with out me "which is why I will grab some things and leave, I'll come back in a few days to get the rest of my stuff."


	2. Chapter 2

I just stand there letting what he said sink in and begin to wonder if maybe this is the right decision to make, for us to just walk away from each other. "So this is it for us, the end of our relationship?" He stands there for a minute before responding "I guess it is, I mean all we seem to do is fight more than anything else anymore. Why stay together it's not exactly healthy." We have had some good times, but there is always that dark moment of our life lingering there in the background of it and how I wished it didn't lead to the fall out of our relationship. "I know its not healthy but it hasn't always been like this and you know it. Let's not make a decision that we may regret someday down the road, one of us can just grab some clothes and crash at a friends house for a couple weeks, then meet up and reevaluate where we are at emotionally and decide then if there is a chance for us to be happy together again or if we should go our separate ways." He looks at me and I almost expect him to protest but he agrees to my idea "OK but I think it should be me who should go since there is a chance that I could be at work for days on end, at least the house will be looked after if you stay here."

I didn't think leaving would be this hard but as I zip up my bag I can't help but feel like I'm closing a chapter of my life that I never wanted to end. Things are so messed up between us so maybe some distance and time away will clear our minds and help us put things into perspective. I turn to Karina and say a quick goodbye before walking out the door, I go to a hotel instead of calling someone this late at night no need waking someone up and dumping my current problems on them.

I watch him leave and I just hope that this isn't the last time he walks out the door, I hope we can work things out. I put all my clothes away and crawl in bed hoping to get some sleep before work. At a quarter after 5 I give up and just call my boss to tell him I won't be able to make it into work today, he tells me I can take as many days off as I need and just return when I feel I'm ready.

I walk into LAPD office and immediately Bates start yelling for me to get into his office right away. As I walk to his office I wonder if I should have just told him I needed a few personal days to take care of things. I walk into his office and he hands me a file as I open it I really wish I had called off but then realize he probably would have told me to suck it up and come in away. "When do I go under?" I ask knowing the way he called for that I probably go in tonight "tonight, this op was suppose to go to Matthews but he had a family emergency so your going under." "How long is the op suppose to last?" I'm dreading the answer but know that I have no choice but to do this "no more than 6 months if you do the job right" before I can ask he tells me that I can have Jameson inform Karina that I'm going under because I have to meet with the informant and get settled into the little apartment that is suppose to be home for the net few months. As I stand to leave he says "Oh and one more thing, this is a joint op with NCIS".

I leave Bates office and head to my desk to start reading the case file so I'm prepared. I'm going under as Eric Donavon, I have a grudge against the military since my little brother had been killed in combat 2yrs ago. I'm looking for someone who is willing to either help me get my hands on some weapons or help me get revenge on the people who let him die. The informant I'm suppose to meet with is a sergeant in the marines who has noticed inconsistencies in the weapons and explosives inventory. He thinks that one of the marines is being blackmailed or is trying to make extra money on the side.

I take a break just before noon and go find Jameson to ask if he will inform Karina that I had to go undercover and I won't be able to contact her for awhile. "Jameson I need a favor from you, can you tell Karina that I'm going undercover for a few months and that I'll try to wrap the case up as soon as possible" he looks at me for a moment then agrees "sure, but umm you want to tell me why you look like you haven't slept in a few days?" I hesitate before answering "things have been strained between Karina and I the last few months but uh last night we had a fight and I did something I shouldn't have and now we are taking some time to figure things and see if our relationship is worth saving." Its quiet for a moment before I look at him and after seeing the look on his face I realize where he went with what I said he was at the bar an knows how much I had to drink coupled with what he knows about my childhood. "No nothing like that, I may have called someone that I had no business calling and said things that can't be taken back." I wait for him to respond knowing he will ask me how stupid I can be "You did what? Have you lost your mind? Why on earth would you do that when you were telling me a few months ago that you were thinking of buying a ring and now you're trying to destroy everything, what happened to the Marty Deeks that said he had everything he ever wanted in his life?" I just look at him think of how to word my response "you know what happened, that sort of thing either makes a relationships stronger or its the beginning of the end, and I think it might have been the beginning of the end." I start to leave but I turn back to him "I was going to ask if I could crash at your place for a couple weeks until we worked things out or split for good, so uh can you either take my things back to my place or keep them at your place since I won't really be needing them the next few months and also can you tell her that its joint operation with NCIS? I know I'm playing with fire asking you tell her the last thing but umm I don't want her finding out at the end of the op." He's quiet for a second before agreeing, "I'll keep your things at my place in case she locks you out of your house when the op is over." "Thanks" is all I can think to say and with that I leave to go meet the informant while wondering which agent is waiting with him.


	3. Chapter 3

It was almost three when I heard a knock at the door, I walked to the door and looked through the peephole. My whole world stopped when I saw Jameson standing there, I open the door and the first words out of his mouth is "he's fine nothing has happened to him." I feel relived knowing that last nights fight isn't the last thing hanging between us. "He got in this morning and Bates called him to his office, he's going undercover for a few months, and umm its also a joint operation with NCIS." I just stand there and let his words sink in "do you know exactly how long this op is going to last?" What I really want to know is if he's going to be under long enough to pick up where they left off, if he's going to come back and tell me that we are done. That what we he thought he felt for me was nothing compared to what he feels for her. He starts speaking cutting off my thoughts "he didn't tell me how long the op was but he did want me to tell you that he was working with NCIS."

I stand at Karina's door telling her that Deeks had to go undercover and I watch her face fall when I mention NCIS. Upon seeing her face and gaging her reaction to what I'm telling her I'm glad Deeks won't be at the office when I get back because I suddenly have the urge to attempt to knock some since into him. "I asked him what happened last night to have him looking like crap today. He told me about the fight, which is why he made sure I tell you that it was a joint op with NCIS. He didnt want you to find out at the end of the op, he knows he messed up big time and needs to get some things straight in his head." She's quiet for a minute and nods "did he tell you what exactly happened?" I really don't want to get mixed up in their problems but I know Deeks hasn't spoke to anyone about how he felt when his world started crumbling. "All he told me was that y'all had a fight and he made phone call and things were said that never should have been said. He didn't say what he said and to whom." I debate voicing my next words because I don't want to come off as pushing him back to her but I'm not I'm just stating that maybe this is what Deeks needs "I think him doing this op might be good for him, maybe he can finally come to peace with the decision he made when he walked away from NCIS and her." Deeks and I had started working cases together when he returned and all he talked about at first was Kensi then he met Karina and for the first time since we met he actually seemed happy.

Jameson's words hit me hard and I want nothing more than to tell him to get lost but I don't "after what was said last night I don't think he will make peace with the decision he made back then." I don't see how someone can tell their ex that they wish they were the father of their unborn child. My thoughts are interrupted by Jameson speaking "Hey don't think like that OK, I really do think that he has some things he needs to work out in his head, come to terms with what has happened." We could both use some time to come to terms with what has happened recently "OK umm can you try to keep me updated about how he's doing, no details about the case but just let me know that he's still in one piece."

I walked into the little 2bdr apartment that I will be calling home for the next few months and I just throw what stuff I brought with me for the op in the room. I walk to the fridge to see if there is anything in it to eat, after looking I just decide that I'll grab some stuff after I meet with Sgt. Jefferson. My phone starts ringing and I'm not surprised that it's a number I don't recognize. I answer knowing its either Bates or someone from NCIS "Yea what's up?" I'm relieved to hear Callens voice on the other end "Bates said you were going under instead of Matthews but I was hoping he was joking." Good to know I'm not the only one surprised but Bates decision "I was hoping he was but apparently not and Bates couldn't have had worse timing for deciding I was the best candidate for this op." I'm hoping that the contact between Kensi and I is kept to a minimum but all hopes are gone when Callen speaks "Ok I'm gonna grab some pizzas and beer and be over for the initial check in but we also want to catch up with you since you cut all possible ties with us." Wait whose the we he's talking about "what do you mean by we?" This day is just getting worse and I know it aint going to improve by his next words "the team" I try asking him what he means by the team but its obvious that he has already hung up.

As I wait for everyone to show up I let my mind wonder and I'm not surprised it falls to the day my plans for the future slowly started to fall apart. I Realize my method for coping with everything isn't a healthy one and that if I'm going to make things work with Karina I need to stop drinking. As I'm making decisions on how I can improve myself personally to try to make things work I'm pulled from thoughts by someone knocking on the door. Here we go time for me to pretend everything in my life is perfect and last nights phone call didn't happen.

I open the door and I'm greeted with everyone from OSP and a couple other people I don't recognize. "Come in guys" I see that Callen also brought non alcoholic beverages and I figure that Kensi has informed them of her current situation. We go through the hellos and how have you been and get down to business. After deciding that Sgt. Jefferson and I will wait a few days before searching for someone who will help carry out Eric Donovan's plans of revenge.

I've caught Kensi glancing at me all night and I've had enough and I know that what I say next will have everyone's attention but I have to apologize. "Kensi I'm sorry for calling you last night and I'm sorry for the things I said to you." I know they want to ask what was said but it seems they won't. "Is that why you aren't drinking tonight?" Well she plays a small part in that decision but before I can tell her Eric cuts in "What happened to the chick with auburn hair I use to see you with at the beach on the weekends?" I don't want to go down this road but I know part of moving on from it is talking about it and coming to terms with the hand you are dealt. "We are suppose to be taking a couple weeks apart and deciding if we can save what we have or if we should call it quits." Kensi cuts in and says "I'm surprised she agreed to that depending on what exactly she heard." Honestly I don't know why she suggested it " Actually I offered to just pack my bags and leave return in a few days and get the rest of my stuff but she suggested taking the couple weeks to figure things out." Everyone is quiet for a minute when Eric speaks up "What happened that changed everything? Every time I saw you two together you looked so happy then one day you're at the beach by yourself and you looked like your world was crumbling." The moment of truth do I tell them or just call it a night but as I look at everyone I know that they would eventually get it out of me in the next few months anyway. "Well yea my world started crumbling around that time." I'm seriously considering downing a beer but I know that won't solve anything "We were expecting but umm she lost the baby." I'm afraid to look up and see everyone's face. Nell speaks first "and you started drinking more than you normally do because you didn't know how to deal with it." "Something like that." Kensi finally speaks again "so the fight last night was about your drinking" "yes it was about the fact that I have been drinking a little more than I use to. I shouldn't have called you and I most definitely should not have said that last thing." I know by now everyone is wondering what was said between us but I'm not going to say because thats between Kensi and I.

We talk about much lighter topics for the next couple hours before everyone starts leaving. Once again I'm on my own with my thoughts and the second of many lonely nights.


End file.
